Torn.
Aching.
Broken.
Tainted.
Surrounded by walls.
If you haven't guessed by now, I'm referring to that fist sized, hollow, pump-like organ of blood circulation, that allows me to live, but also the total center of my personality and emotions...my heart.
Ever since I was a little girl, I could tell God has a special purpose for me. I knew he was going to use me in ways I never even imagined. I, of coarse, had my hopes and dreams of what he would use me for, but to this day, I still have no idea what God has in store for me. But, I do know that for a reason beyond my comprehension, he has allowed a lot of pain in my life. Due to the pain, I've put up walls. And everytime I let them down so someone could get in, I built them twice as high, and twice as thick. Yet, time after time, my heart still manages to get broken.
I don't want to waste the pain that God has allowed me to suffer. I want him to take the ashes and turn it into beauty, to ultimatly bring glory to himself. I often feel a lot like Naomi, from the book of Ruth, when she told the people of Bethlehem to call her Mara (meaning bitter) instead of Naomi (meaning Pleasant) because God made her life very bitter. I don't want to have that attitude anymore. I want in the midst of the bitterness and hurt in my life, to still be pleasant...not bitter.
Recently, I've taken a good look at my heart. It was scary and I didn't like what I saw. I saw this weak, fragile, ball of bandages, from all the times I would pick up my heart, throw a bandage on it for a quick fix, and move on. But that's not what God has for me. That's not glorifying God through my pain. So, this is my journey. My project. My heart renovation. I want my heart to look less and less like rubble, and more and more like an altar.
