I know it has been a while since I have posted. I have been pretty busy over the last few months and time just slipped away from me. But a lot has happened in our lives, spiritually and physically that I am really excited to share with you guys!
Physically, we have received a new ministry opportunity, and we moved back to Maryland at the beginning of the month. Jeremy is the new Youth director at Taneytown Baptist Church. So far we are loving it! It's been nice to have some stability in our lives again, and to also be able to see family more regularly. We love the church family God has given us, and we are really enjoying getting to know all the teens and we are looking forward to really being able to pour into their lives.
Spiritually though, is what I really want to talk about. As many of you know (and if you don't, check out some of my previous blog posts) we had a very rough past two years. But more recently, what was a complete breaking point for me, was our infertility/IVF process. I had reached just the extreme bottom of the barrel. It was exactly what it took for me to throw my hands up in complete surrender to our merciful Lord and to let him have control of the situations in my life.
Those weeks & months after the IVF were very very difficult for me. It was consuming my thoughts daily, and I couldn't seem to shake it. It was so hard to think through and process the past 6 months of all the infertility testing and surgeries and treatments that I had gone through. I kept telling myself that I was going to let God be in control, but every time I took it to the Lord, I held onto it and wouldn't let it go. And I continued to just pray that he would give me the faith and trust it was going to take to lay it all down at his feet.
One day, I was driving alone in the car, and I was just thinking through everything like normal, and a song came on the radio. It was a song by Josh Wilson, called "Fall Apart" (here is the link to a music video: Fall Apart song with Lyrics) Basically, it talks about how when everything is right, and going great, we hardly ever seek out God. But when everything falls apart, that is what brings us back to Him.
I had heard the song many many times before, but for some reason, on that one day I was driving in the car, it just spoke directly to my heart. I realized that everything I had been through over the past two years that had just had me so broken, was God just constantly trying to pull me back closer and closer to him. I got tears in my eyes as I started to think through all the pain that God had allowed in my life that was breaking my heart, was all for the sole purpose of bringing our relationship closer. I was so humbled at the fact that God would give me so many hardships & heartbreaks, just so I would be closer to him. Needless to say, that moment, I surrendered everything over. It was a complete life changing and healing moment for me.
The scars of the past two years are still there, and it still stings every now and then. But my hope is restored and to think about God loving me so much to give me all that, is the perfect remedy for the sting. Its such a sweet reminder every time I hear that song now, of Gods great healing and love for me. I feel so honored and blessed to have gone through what I did.
His purpose might be that Jeremy and I never have children of our own. As much as that breaks my heart and is not my desire....it's okay. All things work together for good. His good. His purpose. If I can use this and somehow be able to glorify Him through it..then it's worth it.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
