I really do want to thank all of you who have been praying and sending us encouraging messages. They truly mean the world to us right now. We have not had time to sit down and process everything individually or as a couple, since, literally we were pulling into the driveway to a house we were providing relief for, and we have been with the kids ever since. We had about a half hour to cry our eyes out, and then we quickly had to change into houseparent mode. So as you continue to pray, pray that we will be able to have time to process it all, so we may begin the healing process.
The night after we had found out the bad news, I could not sleep. I spent most of the time sobbing and trying to find the words to say to God. After a few hours, I eventually told him I was really upset with him. I felt like he was really calling me to trust him, and he would give me the desires of my heart when we started the whole process. So I did, even though I wanted to protect my heart, I completely trusted him. And then when we got the phone call, saying it didn' work, I felt so abandoned by Him. I told him, he knows how hard it is for me to trust, and then I felt like he just forgot about me, or was playing an awful trick on me. I told him I didn't even know if he was listening to me anymore. I hate feeling upset with God. On top of all the heart ache, the last thing I need is to be distant from Him. But nevertheless, I was heartbroken. I asked him to please, give me some sort of a sign that he was there, and listening, and frankly, still cared about me and loved me.
Eventually, from complete exhaustion I fell asleep. The next day, we had a graduation party to attend, and I wasn't exactly my chipper self. Jeremy had met a guy at the party, and began to talk to him. Pretty quickly, he and his wife began asking us about our marriage, and about our job and other things in our life, that typically people don't ask about the first time they meet you. Then towards the end of our conversation, they asked us what they could be praying for us for. I was completely taken back by this, and I began to get choked up. These people were complete strangers, and they were actually caring enough about us, to ask specifically what they could pray for us for. I was on the verge of crying (and if you know me, I'm not a crier, and I don't like crying in front of people) so I told Jeremy he could answer for me.
Jeremy told them, about our struggle the day before and finding out IVF didn't work for us. I completely lost it and started balling. In that same second, they got up and asked us to come pray with them. They prayed with us, and talked with both of us for a while, and it was just a huge blessing and encouragement to us.
That night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I realized something. That was the sign from God that I had been praying for. I asked him to let me know he still loved and cared for me, and the very next day, he sends along a couple, who we've never met before who showed us love and cared about us! I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to know, when you are completely broken, and you just pour out all your feelings to Him, even the upset and bitter ones, that He will answer and show you He is still there. I am so thankful for such an understanding and loving God. Really, if it wasn't for Him, there is no way I would be getting through day-to-day.
That couple really was "Jesus" to us. They showed us the love of Christ. I am so thankful for their kind hearts, and their compassion for others. It has just spoke so much volume to my heart, and seeing that pushes me to want to be more and more like Jesus. They really did just carry us to the cross, when we were too weak to do so ourselves, so we could begin to lay all of our burdens at his feet.
I tell you all this, to maybe encourage you to do the same for someone you may or may not know. You can be "Jesus" to those around you. There is always someone hurting, and needing to feel cared about, and if you have the light of Christ in you, you have the exact remedy they need.
1 John 3:17 "Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
A heartbreak to big to handle on our own
This blog post is going to be one that is completely making myself vulnerable, and that is not something I enjoy doing. I'm not a very open person, and this is a big step for me to put this out there and share with everyone. But many of you have been asking, and quite honestly, we just could use a lot of prayer and support right now. So, please, if you are just reading to be nosey, stop reading.
Many of you know that Jeremy and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married, which will be 3 years in July. We have a honest yearning to grow our family, and raise our children in the Lord. That is one of the biggest desires of our heart.
Month, after month, we were not getting pregnant, and each month became more and more disappointing. Finally, around this time last year, we decided to talk to the obgyn about it, and see what maybe our options were. We tried a few medications for a few months, and still nothing was happening. After my body had a reaction to the meds, they decided to send us to a fertility specialist.
Our first visit to the specialist was in November. We had a general meeting with the doctor, and they told us the first step was to run many tests, to narrow down exactly what was causing our infertility. So, in December we had oodles of tests and procedures done. We got all the results in January, which told us that both of us had issues that were causing our infertility. They told us we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. That was a huge blow to us.
The doctors proceeded to tell me that I have endometriosis, which is a condition in which the tissue that behaves like the cells lining the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding, and infertility.The tissue growth typically occurs in the pelvic area, outside of the uterus, on the ovaries, bowel, rectum, bladder, and the delicate lining of the pelvis. However, the implants can occur in other areas of the body, too.
They also found that my uterine cavity had extra tissue, which could lead to miscarriage. So, they left us with two options. Basically, I would need to have exploratory surgery, and they would also fix anything that they found wrong, or our second option was to go the Invitro Fertilization (IVF) route. We thought about it, prayed about it, and decided the surgery needed to come first.
It early February, I had the surgery done. I had Exploratory Laparoscopy, and also a Hysteroscopy done, which left me with 4 small incisions. They found a handful of areas that were effected by the endometriosis, one being in my left fallopian tube. Thankfully, they were able to fix everything that they found and expected to find, and the surgery went pretty well.
It took me a very long time to fully heal from the surgery. It wasn't until mid-March before I felt 100% back to my normal self again. At the end of March, we had a follow up, and a procedure to make sure everything healed properly. If everything went well, we would be able to move on in our treatment, and we could begin the IVF process.
The doctors told us everything checked out just fine, and so we scheduled our first meeting for IVF which is called a set up class.If you know anything about IVF, it is a very large, tiring, and long process. We were really excited to finally get the ball rolling and have the best chance possible of conceiving.
IVF, like I said, is a very tiring process. But to add to it, all the appointments I had to go to were 2 hours away. Included in the process, you give yourself injections, twice a day, take a lot of fertility drugs, and have lots of blood drawn and ultrasounds done. Not to mention the thousands of dollars you have to pay up front.
During our whole process, we prayed and prayed that God would provide the finances, and also for little details along the way. Every prayer was answered! We were able to come up with the money, which was in itself a miracle.
One of the possible side effects of all the fertility drugs, is called Hyper stimulation. It's basically where because of all the meds, your ovaries become over stimulated, and it can cause you to be very very sick. The doctors were concerned, because of my age that I would respond better than normal, and I would be more prone to hyperstim. They were right.
Most women, through the process, produce about 5-6 follicles/eggs on each ovary. At my first ultra sound, I had nearly 30. I had ultrasounds and blood work done, nearly everyday, for two weeks at 7am, which meant I was up and driving to get there at 5am. All the while, still house parenting, which is exhausting as it is. But Jeremy was a huge help, and picked up all of the slack.
By the end of my treatment, I had over 60 follicles, which was exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. Because I was responding so well, that was a good sign for success for our IVF, but it also meant at any moment I could become very sick, and everything would be thrown down the drain.
Finally, I got the phone call, saying I was ready for the egg retrival. We drove down mothers day, and they did the surgery to retrieve the eggs. The following day we found out that 6 of them had been fertilized, which is excatly what we had been praying for! We were hoping for them to transfer two embryos, and cypro-preserve the remaining for future use.
The following Friday was the big day! We arrived, and they told us that they were going to transfer two embryos, another huge answer to prayer! We were really excited as we saw pictures of our embryos, and as we watch on a sonogram as they transfer in the embryos! But now, all that was left to do was wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Finally two weeks later, we went for the blood pregnancy test. We were both SO nervous, and excited. They took the test, and told us they would call us when they got the results. So, we waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, we got the call. I was so nervous, and as soon as the nurse started talking, I knew it was bad news. She told me she didn't have good news for me, and immediately I burst into tears. After so much work, exhaustion, both mentally and physically, and all the horrible effects I went through with the meds...it didn't work.
On top of that, the remaining embryos we had, did not mature anymore, and we were not able to save them for future use.
I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of heartache we feel. We know that it is all part of God's plan, but to try to wrap our minds around it, we simply cannot. We know that God is the ultimate physician, and that with him all things are possible, but we are having a hard time finding comfort in that. We know everyone has a story about someone they know, who tried to have children for years, and how much of a struggle it was, but then God blessed them, but again, that's not comforting to us. It actually is very hurtful and painful to hear of other peoples happy endings. It's so hard to be excited for people when they get pregnant, or when they have babies. We know that's not a good thing, but how can we feel any differently?
On top of this, we are hundreds of miles away from any family or friends support. We still have to deal with our daily struggles with serving God, and working in a group home, and we are beginning to feel completely abandoned. We are at the bottom of the barrel, and are completely empty. We really do both need a huge heart renovation. We are trying so hard to see God in all of this, but we are struggling.
I know that many of the comments that you are going to say are going to be "stay strong" or "God will be faithful and see you through" or "You will have kids in his timing" and so on and so on...we know all of this. Please, please, please, if you are going to leave a comment, or want to talk to us about this...know we are very fragile right now. Our hearts and spirits have been crushed, and so we just ask that you be considerate about what you say. I know there's a lot of people, who have already expressed they don't even know what to say, and that's okay too...please just pray. We understand that people do not know exactly what we are going through, and we don't expect them to, but prayer and support is what we really need right now. We are not trying to sound selfish, but as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we really need that right now.
Again, sharing this and our hearts with you, is not what comes natural to us, and unfortunately, there is a lot that we simply cannot share with you that's heartbreaking. But since a lot of you were asking, and God was laying it on our hearts, we decided to share. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and care, and for praying....it really means more to us then you will ever know.
Many of you know that Jeremy and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married, which will be 3 years in July. We have a honest yearning to grow our family, and raise our children in the Lord. That is one of the biggest desires of our heart.
Month, after month, we were not getting pregnant, and each month became more and more disappointing. Finally, around this time last year, we decided to talk to the obgyn about it, and see what maybe our options were. We tried a few medications for a few months, and still nothing was happening. After my body had a reaction to the meds, they decided to send us to a fertility specialist.
Our first visit to the specialist was in November. We had a general meeting with the doctor, and they told us the first step was to run many tests, to narrow down exactly what was causing our infertility. So, in December we had oodles of tests and procedures done. We got all the results in January, which told us that both of us had issues that were causing our infertility. They told us we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. That was a huge blow to us.
The doctors proceeded to tell me that I have endometriosis, which is a condition in which the tissue that behaves like the cells lining the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding, and infertility.The tissue growth typically occurs in the pelvic area, outside of the uterus, on the ovaries, bowel, rectum, bladder, and the delicate lining of the pelvis. However, the implants can occur in other areas of the body, too.
They also found that my uterine cavity had extra tissue, which could lead to miscarriage. So, they left us with two options. Basically, I would need to have exploratory surgery, and they would also fix anything that they found wrong, or our second option was to go the Invitro Fertilization (IVF) route. We thought about it, prayed about it, and decided the surgery needed to come first.
It early February, I had the surgery done. I had Exploratory Laparoscopy, and also a Hysteroscopy done, which left me with 4 small incisions. They found a handful of areas that were effected by the endometriosis, one being in my left fallopian tube. Thankfully, they were able to fix everything that they found and expected to find, and the surgery went pretty well.
It took me a very long time to fully heal from the surgery. It wasn't until mid-March before I felt 100% back to my normal self again. At the end of March, we had a follow up, and a procedure to make sure everything healed properly. If everything went well, we would be able to move on in our treatment, and we could begin the IVF process.
The doctors told us everything checked out just fine, and so we scheduled our first meeting for IVF which is called a set up class.If you know anything about IVF, it is a very large, tiring, and long process. We were really excited to finally get the ball rolling and have the best chance possible of conceiving.
IVF, like I said, is a very tiring process. But to add to it, all the appointments I had to go to were 2 hours away. Included in the process, you give yourself injections, twice a day, take a lot of fertility drugs, and have lots of blood drawn and ultrasounds done. Not to mention the thousands of dollars you have to pay up front.
During our whole process, we prayed and prayed that God would provide the finances, and also for little details along the way. Every prayer was answered! We were able to come up with the money, which was in itself a miracle.
One of the possible side effects of all the fertility drugs, is called Hyper stimulation. It's basically where because of all the meds, your ovaries become over stimulated, and it can cause you to be very very sick. The doctors were concerned, because of my age that I would respond better than normal, and I would be more prone to hyperstim. They were right.
Most women, through the process, produce about 5-6 follicles/eggs on each ovary. At my first ultra sound, I had nearly 30. I had ultrasounds and blood work done, nearly everyday, for two weeks at 7am, which meant I was up and driving to get there at 5am. All the while, still house parenting, which is exhausting as it is. But Jeremy was a huge help, and picked up all of the slack.
By the end of my treatment, I had over 60 follicles, which was exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. Because I was responding so well, that was a good sign for success for our IVF, but it also meant at any moment I could become very sick, and everything would be thrown down the drain.
Finally, I got the phone call, saying I was ready for the egg retrival. We drove down mothers day, and they did the surgery to retrieve the eggs. The following day we found out that 6 of them had been fertilized, which is excatly what we had been praying for! We were hoping for them to transfer two embryos, and cypro-preserve the remaining for future use.
The following Friday was the big day! We arrived, and they told us that they were going to transfer two embryos, another huge answer to prayer! We were really excited as we saw pictures of our embryos, and as we watch on a sonogram as they transfer in the embryos! But now, all that was left to do was wait.
And wait.
And wait.
Finally two weeks later, we went for the blood pregnancy test. We were both SO nervous, and excited. They took the test, and told us they would call us when they got the results. So, we waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, we got the call. I was so nervous, and as soon as the nurse started talking, I knew it was bad news. She told me she didn't have good news for me, and immediately I burst into tears. After so much work, exhaustion, both mentally and physically, and all the horrible effects I went through with the meds...it didn't work.
On top of that, the remaining embryos we had, did not mature anymore, and we were not able to save them for future use.
I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of heartache we feel. We know that it is all part of God's plan, but to try to wrap our minds around it, we simply cannot. We know that God is the ultimate physician, and that with him all things are possible, but we are having a hard time finding comfort in that. We know everyone has a story about someone they know, who tried to have children for years, and how much of a struggle it was, but then God blessed them, but again, that's not comforting to us. It actually is very hurtful and painful to hear of other peoples happy endings. It's so hard to be excited for people when they get pregnant, or when they have babies. We know that's not a good thing, but how can we feel any differently?
On top of this, we are hundreds of miles away from any family or friends support. We still have to deal with our daily struggles with serving God, and working in a group home, and we are beginning to feel completely abandoned. We are at the bottom of the barrel, and are completely empty. We really do both need a huge heart renovation. We are trying so hard to see God in all of this, but we are struggling.
I know that many of the comments that you are going to say are going to be "stay strong" or "God will be faithful and see you through" or "You will have kids in his timing" and so on and so on...we know all of this. Please, please, please, if you are going to leave a comment, or want to talk to us about this...know we are very fragile right now. Our hearts and spirits have been crushed, and so we just ask that you be considerate about what you say. I know there's a lot of people, who have already expressed they don't even know what to say, and that's okay too...please just pray. We understand that people do not know exactly what we are going through, and we don't expect them to, but prayer and support is what we really need right now. We are not trying to sound selfish, but as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we really need that right now.
Again, sharing this and our hearts with you, is not what comes natural to us, and unfortunately, there is a lot that we simply cannot share with you that's heartbreaking. But since a lot of you were asking, and God was laying it on our hearts, we decided to share. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and care, and for praying....it really means more to us then you will ever know.
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