"Our heatbreak brings us back to You"

   I know it has been a while since I have posted. I have been pretty busy over the last few months and time just slipped away from me. But a lot has happened in our lives, spiritually and physically that I am really excited to share with you guys!

  Physically, we have received a new ministry opportunity, and we moved back to Maryland at the beginning of the month. Jeremy is the new Youth director at Taneytown Baptist Church. So far we are loving it! It's been nice to have some stability in our lives again, and to also be able to see family more regularly. We love the church family God has given us, and we are really enjoying getting to know all the teens and we are looking forward to really being able to pour into their lives.

   Spiritually though, is what I really want to talk about. As many of you know (and if you don't, check out some of my previous blog posts) we had a very rough past two years. But more recently, what was a complete breaking point for me, was our infertility/IVF process. I had reached just the extreme bottom of the barrel. It was exactly what it took for me to throw my hands up in complete surrender to our merciful Lord and to let him have control of the situations in my life.

  Those weeks & months after the IVF were very very difficult for me. It was consuming my thoughts daily, and I couldn't seem to shake it. It was so hard to think through and process the past 6 months of all the infertility testing and surgeries and treatments that I had gone through. I kept telling myself that I was going to let God be in control, but every time I took it to the Lord, I held onto it and wouldn't let it go. And I continued to just pray that he would give me the faith and trust it was going to take to lay it all down at his feet.

   One day, I was driving alone in the car, and I was just thinking through everything like normal, and a song came on the radio. It was a song by Josh Wilson, called "Fall Apart" (here is the link to a music video: Fall Apart song with Lyrics) Basically, it talks about how when everything is right, and going great, we hardly ever seek out God. But when everything falls apart, that is what brings us back to Him.

   I had heard the song many many times before, but for some reason, on that one day I was driving in the car, it just spoke directly to my heart. I realized that everything I had been through over the past two years that had just had me so broken, was God just constantly trying to pull me back closer and closer to him. I got tears in my eyes as I started to think through all the pain that God had allowed in my life that was breaking my heart, was all for the sole purpose of bringing our relationship closer. I was so humbled at the fact that God would give me so many hardships & heartbreaks, just so I would be closer to him. Needless to say, that moment, I surrendered everything over. It was a complete life changing and healing moment for me.

  The scars of the past two years are still there, and it still stings every now and then. But my hope is restored and to think about God loving me so much to give me all that, is the perfect remedy for the sting. Its such a sweet reminder every time I hear that song now, of Gods great healing and love for me. I feel so honored and blessed to have gone through what I did.

  His purpose might be that Jeremy and I never have children of our own. As much as that breaks my heart and is not my desire....it's okay. All things work together for good. His good. His purpose. If I can use this and somehow be able to glorify Him through it..then it's worth it.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

A personal look at our IVF process

 I know that a few people have asked me some questions about the IVF process that we went through. During the entire process, from attending the class to learn about IVF to finding out it was negative, I kept a journal about all the meds I took, and I wrote down big and little things that happened, or that were exciting or discouraging. So I thought I would share just a little bit of that with you guys so you could get a better feel for the process we went through. As, thank you to everyone who continues to pray for us and encourage us!

•    On 4/6/11 we attend the "set-up class" to learn all about the whole process, to learn how to administer the meds and injections correctly, and to find out what what our plan looked like. This was a super exciting time for us as we were able to finally see our journey beginning and to be able to get a full understanding of what it was going to look like. We were extremely overwhelmed by all the medications, injections and possible side effects. But more than anything, we were just excited!
• 4/18/11 was the first day I started the process of taking lots of medicines. I started giving myself shots daily and taking a few pills to help my ovaries produce more follicles (eggs) The picture below is SOME of the medicines I was taking throughout the process. 

• 4/27/11 was the first real day of the process! I had my first ultrasound done. On my first one they found I had 20 follicles (eggs) on my right ovary and 12 on my left. Most women produce only produce about 4-5 on each. I was a responder which made me need to be watched more closely, which meant more trips to the doctor, and more blood work!
• Skipping past a few more appointments, on 5/4/11 I went for my routine ultrasound and blood work. They counted up all my follicles and found that I had over 50 total. They were starting to measure around 15mm which is when they consider them "mature" At this point, I had become extremely bloated, and nauseous. They told me that my estrogen levels were very high and my ovaries had become very enlarged and that because of those two things, they would be lowering my dose of meds and also would be seeing me daily.
• On 5/6/11 they decided my eggs were maturing so quickly, they were going to give me the "trigger" shot, which basically tells my brain to get ready to release the eggs. This was the most painful shot, and was quite an experience. But I was very happy that in just two days, I would be having my egg retrieval!
• On 5/8/11 (mothers day) was the egg retrieval. I think I will just share what I wrote in my journal to give you the best feeling for what happened. "Well today was the big day! The day of my egg retrieval. We woke up around 5:00am and left the house around 6:00am for Rochester Hills, which is about 2 hours away, so we arrived around 8:00. When we got there, they took Jeremy back right away to get the specimen. Then around 8:30, they took me back to start prepping me. They put in an IV and started giving me a thick fluid so that my ovaries wouldn't send out any fluids, which could send me into hyper-stimulation..."

• "...Around 8:50 they took me back into the O.R. They got me situated on the table and then gave me the sedation. I woke back up in the normal room. It took me some time to actually be completely away. They brought Jeremy back and gave me some juice and crackers. They told me they had retrieved 9 mature eggs that they would be able to use. They told me they would call me the next day to let me know how many of the eggs fertilized."

•  5/7/11 the doctors called and said 6 had fertilized and that they would see me Friday for my embryo transfer!
• 5/13/11 "Today was the day! Embryo transfer day! We woke up early once again to get to my appointment in Rochester hills around 9:30. We got there and both Jeremy and I put on gowns. They took some blood, gave me some meds and sent us back to the transfer room...."

•  "...They got us all settled in the room while the embryologist prepared the embryo's for the transfer They proceeded to tell us that they only had 1excellent embryo, but they had a good embryo, so they would transfer both. We were given a picture of both of the embryo's and then as we watched the embryos being transferred in via ultrasound which was amazing to see, they also gave us a picture of the ultrasound. ."

•  "... then they took us back to our room where I had to lay down for a half hour before they could release us to go home. Then it was just waiting two weeks to find out if it was a positive or not."

•  On 5/27/11 we got the most devastating news. After all the long drives to doctor's appointments, after all the meds, after all the injections and all the blood work, it was a negative. But, God is still good. We don't understand this, but he does. His plan is way better than mine. We will just continue to pray for his blessings in his time. (Although we hope its soon!)
  
  

A conversation with God

I have so many things that I want to say
But I can't seem to find the words.

I want You to know how much I'm hurting
But You already know, You're the one that allowed the pain.

I feel like I am drowning in a sea of tears
But I know I'm only in this place so You can rescue me.

My heart is completely torn to pieces
But I know You are holding it together with Your crown of thorns.

I don't understand the pain You've allowed
But it's okay, I don't need to, You are God, I am not.

I know one day this will all be used for Your glory
But right now I feel like its a waste.

I know You are there to carry me through this
But I feel like You have left me here abandoned.

I know You think I'm strong enough to handle this
But I feel like I am too weak to take another step

I know You tell me its okay to feel sorrow and heartache
But I feel like I have to put on a smile

My greatest desire is to honor You with this pain
But I know I cannot do it on my own, I need Your help

I know Your plan for my life is bigger than what I can see
But all I want for my life is to be 'home' with You

But let my life be a song You sing
Even if that means living with a broken heart.

And thank you for allowing me the privilege to suffer through trials for Your names sake.
Please let those trials be an example of your mercy, love and grace to others.
I Love You.

Love with actions and in truth

      I really do want to thank all of you who have been praying and sending us encouraging messages. They truly mean the world to us right now. We have not had time to sit down and process everything individually or as a couple, since, literally we were pulling into the driveway to a house we were providing relief for, and we have been with the kids ever since. We had about a half hour to cry our eyes out, and then we quickly had to change into houseparent mode. So as you continue to pray, pray that we will be able to have time to process it all, so we may begin the healing process.

   The night after we had found out the bad news, I could not sleep. I spent most of the time sobbing and trying to find the words to say to God. After a few hours, I eventually told him I was really upset with him. I felt like he was really calling me to trust him, and he would give me the desires of my heart when we started the whole process. So I did, even though I wanted to protect my heart, I completely trusted him. And then when we got the phone call, saying it didn' work, I felt so abandoned by Him. I told him, he knows how hard it is for me to trust, and then I felt like he just forgot about me, or was playing an awful trick on me. I told him I didn't even know if he was listening to me anymore. I hate feeling upset with God. On top of all the heart ache, the last thing I need is to be distant from Him. But nevertheless, I was heartbroken. I asked him to please, give me some sort of a sign that he was there, and listening, and frankly, still cared about me and loved me.

   Eventually, from complete exhaustion I fell asleep. The next day, we had a graduation party to attend, and I wasn't exactly my chipper self. Jeremy had met a guy at the party, and began to talk to him. Pretty quickly, he and his wife began asking us about our marriage, and about our job and other things in our life, that typically people don't ask about the first time they meet you. Then towards the end of our conversation, they asked us what they could be praying for us for. I was completely taken back by this, and I began to get choked up. These people were complete strangers, and they were actually caring enough about us, to ask specifically what they could pray for us for. I was on the verge of crying (and if you know me, I'm not a crier, and I don't like crying in front of people) so I told Jeremy he could answer for me.

  Jeremy told them, about our struggle the day before and finding out IVF didn't work for us. I completely lost it and started balling. In that same second, they got up and asked us to come pray with them. They prayed with us, and talked with both of us for a while, and it was just a huge blessing and encouragement to us.

  That night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I realized something. That was the sign from God that I had been praying for. I asked him to let me know he still loved and cared for me, and the very next day, he sends along a couple, who we've never met before who showed us love and cared about us! I cannot begin to tell you how comforting it is to know, when you are completely broken, and you just pour out all your feelings to Him, even the upset and bitter ones, that He will answer and show you He is still there. I am so thankful for such an understanding and loving God. Really, if it wasn't for Him, there is no way I would be getting through day-to-day.

  That couple really was "Jesus" to us. They showed us the love of Christ. I am so thankful for their kind hearts, and their compassion for others. It has just spoke so much volume to my heart, and seeing that pushes me to want to be more and more like Jesus. They really did just carry us to the cross, when we were too weak to do so ourselves, so we could begin to lay all of our burdens at his feet.

  I tell you all this, to maybe encourage you to do the same for someone you may or may not know. You can be "Jesus" to those around you. There is always someone hurting, and needing to feel cared about, and if you have the light of Christ in you, you have the exact remedy they need.

1 John 3:17 "Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

   

A heartbreak to big to handle on our own

 This blog post is going to be one that is completely making myself vulnerable, and that is not something I enjoy doing. I'm not a very open person, and this is a big step for me to put this out there and share with everyone. But many of you have been asking, and quite honestly, we just could use a lot of prayer and support right now. So, please, if you are just reading to be nosey, stop reading.

  Many of you know that Jeremy and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married, which will be 3 years in July. We have a honest yearning to grow our family, and raise our children in the Lord. That is one of the biggest desires of our heart.

    Month, after month, we were not getting pregnant, and each month became more and more disappointing. Finally, around this time last year, we decided to talk to the obgyn about it, and see what maybe our options were. We tried a few medications for a few months, and still nothing was happening. After my body had a reaction to the meds, they decided to send us to a fertility specialist.
 
   Our first visit to the specialist was in November. We had a general meeting with the doctor, and they told us the first step was to run many tests, to narrow down exactly what was causing our infertility. So, in December we had oodles of tests and procedures done. We got all the results in January, which told us that both of us had issues that were causing our infertility. They told us we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. That was a huge blow to us.

   The doctors proceeded to tell me that I have endometriosis, which is a condition in which the tissue that behaves like the cells lining the uterus (endometrium) grows in other areas of the body, causing pain, irregular bleeding, and infertility.The tissue growth typically occurs in the pelvic area, outside of the uterus, on the ovaries, bowel, rectum, bladder, and the delicate lining of the pelvis. However, the implants can occur in other areas of the body, too.

   They also found that my uterine cavity had extra tissue, which could lead to miscarriage. So, they left us with two options. Basically, I would need to have exploratory surgery, and they would also fix anything that they found wrong, or our second option was to go the Invitro Fertilization (IVF) route. We thought about it, prayed about it, and decided the surgery needed to come first.

   It early February, I had the surgery done. I had Exploratory Laparoscopy, and also a Hysteroscopy done, which left me with 4 small incisions. They found a handful of areas that were effected by the endometriosis, one being in my left fallopian tube. Thankfully, they were able to fix everything that they found and expected to find, and the surgery went pretty well.
  
   It took me a very long time to fully heal from the surgery. It wasn't until mid-March before I felt 100% back to my normal self again. At the end of March, we had a follow up, and a procedure to make sure everything healed properly. If everything went well, we would be able to move on in our treatment, and we could begin the IVF process.

  The doctors told us everything checked out just fine, and so we scheduled our first meeting for IVF which is called a set up class.If you know anything about IVF, it is a very large, tiring, and long process. We were really excited to finally get the ball rolling and have the best chance possible of conceiving.

   IVF, like I said, is a very tiring process. But to add to it, all the appointments I had to go to were 2 hours away. Included in the process, you give yourself injections, twice a day, take a lot of fertility drugs, and have lots of blood drawn and ultrasounds done. Not to mention the thousands of dollars you have to pay up front.

    During our whole process, we prayed and prayed that God would provide the finances, and also for little details along the way. Every prayer was answered! We were able to come up with the money, which was in itself a miracle.

   One of the possible side effects of all the fertility drugs, is called Hyper stimulation. It's basically where because of all the meds, your ovaries become over stimulated, and it can cause you to be very very sick. The doctors were concerned, because of my age that I would respond better than normal, and I would be more prone to hyperstim. They were right.

   Most women, through the process, produce about 5-6 follicles/eggs on each ovary. At my first ultra sound, I had nearly 30. I had ultrasounds and blood work done, nearly everyday, for two weeks at 7am, which meant I was up and driving to get there at 5am. All the while, still house parenting, which is exhausting as it is. But Jeremy was a huge help, and picked up all of the slack.

  By the end of my treatment, I had over 60 follicles, which was exciting, and nerve racking at the same time. Because I was responding so well, that was a good sign for success for our IVF, but it also meant at any moment I could become very sick, and everything would be thrown down the drain.

 Finally, I got the phone call, saying I was ready for the egg retrival. We drove down mothers day, and they did the surgery to retrieve the eggs. The following day we found out that 6 of them had been fertilized, which is excatly what we had been praying for! We were hoping for them to transfer two embryos, and cypro-preserve the remaining for future use.

  The following Friday was the big day! We arrived, and they told us that they were going to transfer two embryos,  another huge answer to prayer! We were really excited as we saw pictures of our embryos, and as we watch on a sonogram as they transfer in the embryos! But now, all that was left to do was wait.

  And wait.

  And wait.

  Finally two weeks later, we went for the blood pregnancy test. We were both SO nervous, and excited. They took the test, and told us they would call us when they got the results. So, we waited.

  And waited.

  And waited.

  Finally, we got the call. I was so nervous, and as soon as the nurse started talking, I knew it was bad news. She told me she didn't have good news for me, and immediately I burst into tears. After so much work, exhaustion, both mentally and physically, and all the horrible effects I went through with the meds...it didn't work.

   On top of that, the remaining embryos we had, did not mature anymore, and we were not able to save them for future use.
  I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of heartache we feel. We know that it is all part of God's plan, but to try to wrap our minds around it, we simply cannot. We know that God is the ultimate physician, and that with him all things are possible, but we are having a hard time finding comfort in that. We know everyone has a story about someone they know, who tried to have children for years, and how much of a struggle it was, but then God blessed them, but again, that's not comforting to us. It actually is very hurtful and painful to hear of other peoples happy endings. It's so hard to be excited for people when they get pregnant, or when they have babies. We know that's not a good thing, but how can we feel any differently?

  On top of this, we are hundreds of miles away from any family or friends support. We still have to deal with our daily struggles with serving God, and working in a group home, and we are beginning to feel completely abandoned. We are at the bottom of the barrel, and are completely empty. We really do both need a huge heart renovation. We are trying so hard to see God in all of this, but we are struggling.

  I know that many of the comments that you are going to say are going to be "stay strong" or "God will be faithful and see you through" or "You will have kids in his timing" and so on and so on...we know all of this. Please, please, please, if you are going to leave a comment, or want to talk to us about this...know we are very fragile right now. Our hearts and spirits have been crushed, and so we just ask that you be considerate about what you say. I know there's a lot of people, who have already expressed they don't even know what to say, and that's okay too...please just pray. We understand that people do not know exactly what we are going through, and we don't expect them to, but prayer and support is what we really need right now. We are not trying to sound selfish, but as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, we really need that right now.

  Again, sharing this and our hearts with you, is not what comes natural to us, and unfortunately, there is a lot that we simply cannot share with you that's heartbreaking. But since a lot of you were asking, and God was laying it on our hearts, we decided to share. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and care, and for praying....it really means more to us then you will ever know.

Pain isn't bad...it just hurts!

This blog is a re-post of something I wrote over 2 years ago, but it still applies, and when I came across it, it was a great reminder, and proof of how God is still using my pain and past to work in my heart and life, ultimately to bring glory to him. How awesome!

  Someone very wise once told me "Pain is not bad, it just hurts." My first thought was, yeah..no kidding it hurts! But I didn't listen to the first part..."Pain is not Bad." I have a past that I'm neither proud of, nor speak often of, and yet, its something that plays a major role in my life. The pain that has come from this, has left me feeling hurt, broken, fearful, confused, guilty, upset, and even at times angry. For the longest time, I have HATED the pain I held inside, that only a few close people knew about. Along with wishing the pain wasn't there, I also had recently, and by recently I mean the past few years, have been trying to weed it all out. To be released from its hold..Satan's hold, and move through it, coming out as purified gold.
  More Recently, I have finally started to understand the first part of that quote, that is so near to my heart..."Pain is not bad." To me, it means that all those feeling that come from the pain, the fear, the hurt, the confusion, the bitterness..that's all okay. My God has taken care of it. And not only has he taken care of it, but hes made a beautiful story from a broken life. A story that is meant to be told, a story of hope, and love. A story, that will hopefully help someone else.
  I am aware that I am not the only case of this. There are many of you who have a story. Or maybe God is in the process of writing your story. Maybe its a painful one, like mine. Or maybe its one of many blessings, whatever it is, its beautiful and perfect in Gods gracious eyes. He gave us our stories to help others, not to lock them away and never reveal them again.
 
  Maybe this is difficult for you. Maybe you feel like you aren't sure where to begin. Maybe whats holding you back, is you feel like your too weak. You know what..God works best in weakness! In the 2 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about how he had a "thorn in the flesh" and when he asked God to remove it, God said " My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." Paul got the message, and said " So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me."
You may feel like your story doesn't have much to give, but what you do have, may be exactly what someone else is desperately searching for. Be bold in Christ! That is my goal for this year. To be able to share my story, with those around me, who are going through what I did and needs an understanding friend. I encourage you to do the same!

"That's why I take pleasure in my weakness, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
-2 Corinthians 12: 10

The Maasai

  There is a tribe in Africa called the Maasai. Trying their hardest to resist modern influences, they move from place to place along the countryside of Kenya, depending on their needs. In order to protect themselves from predators, they surround their villages with bushes of thorns.

   Many of you know that I have a tattoo on my wrist of a broken heart with a crown of thorns holding it together, with the word "Love" down the side. I haven't shared with a lot of people what exactly that means to me, and I don't plan to share everything here on my blog for the whole world to see. But the basic idea of the tattoo is to  symbolize "Healer of the broken." God has worked so much in my life, and if you've ever heard any part of my story, it is clear the only way I have been able to get through, is simply by the grace of God. And my tattoo is a reminder to me, that God is my healer, and always will be.

   A long time ago, I decided that there was no way I was going to be able to hold all the pieces of my broken heart together, I needed God's help. I distinctly remember one night, I was completely broken, and I had no idea how I could ever be "okay" again. I spent the whole night at the feet of my God, desperate, and hurt. That night, I decided I wasn't going to pick up my heart anymore. There was no reason for it. God was right there, trying to hold it together, but I just wouldn't let him. He layed on my heart Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." and with that verse, he reminded me that He never promised to remove me from all human experience, including hurt, but for those who have a personal relationship with him, the only difficulty I will experience is here on this earth and what is 80 years of pain, in comparison to glory for eternity? Acts 14:22 states "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God".

  Looking back, and still learning to apply it, I am thankful that I get to go through hardships, because when I do, it always seems to bring me so much closer to God. If he delivered me from every ounce of trial, I would never be able to develop the relationship that occurs when God shows himself faithful right in the midst of difficulty, helping me through it.

 Recently, my tattoo has started to mean more to me.  Just like the Maasai people keep bushes of thorns around their villages, God keeps my heart safe by encircling my heart with a crown of thorns. Not only is he holding my heart together, but he is also protecting it with the same crown. Any pain my heart feels, he feels first, and has allowed it to pass through, to ultimately draw me closer to him and to grow me in my walk of faith. How awesome is that!

"As the mountains surround Jerusalem, the Lord surrounds his people now and forever." ~Psalm 125:2
 

Call Me Mara

Torn.
Aching.
Broken.
Tainted.
Surrounded by walls.

 If you haven't guessed by now, I'm referring to that fist sized, hollow, pump-like organ of blood circulation, that allows me to live, but also the total center of my personality and emotions...my heart.

 Ever since I was a little girl, I could tell God has a special purpose for me. I knew he was going to use me in ways I never even imagined. I, of coarse, had my hopes and dreams of what he would use me for, but to this day, I still have no idea what God has in store for me. But, I do know that for a reason beyond my comprehension, he has allowed a lot of pain in my life. Due to the pain, I've put up walls. And everytime I let them down so someone could get in, I built them twice as high, and twice as thick. Yet, time after time, my heart still manages to get broken.

 I don't want to waste the pain that God has allowed me to suffer. I want him to take the ashes and turn it into beauty, to ultimatly bring glory to himself. I often feel a lot like Naomi, from the book of Ruth, when she told the people of Bethlehem to call her Mara (meaning bitter) instead of Naomi (meaning Pleasant) because God made her life very bitter. I don't want to have that attitude anymore. I want in the midst of the bitterness and hurt in my life, to still be pleasant...not bitter.

  Recently, I've taken a good look at my heart. It was scary and I didn't like what I saw. I saw this weak, fragile, ball of bandages, from all the times I would pick up my heart, throw a bandage on it for a quick fix, and move on. But that's not what God has for me. That's not glorifying God through my pain. So, this is my journey. My project. My heart renovation. I want my heart to look less and less like rubble, and more and more like an altar.