Torn.
Aching.
Broken.
Tainted.
Surrounded by walls.
If you haven't guessed by now, I'm referring to that fist sized, hollow, pump-like organ of blood circulation, that allows me to live, but also the total center of my personality and emotions...my heart.
Ever since I was a little girl, I could tell God has a special purpose for me. I knew he was going to use me in ways I never even imagined. I, of coarse, had my hopes and dreams of what he would use me for, but to this day, I still have no idea what God has in store for me. But, I do know that for a reason beyond my comprehension, he has allowed a lot of pain in my life. Due to the pain, I've put up walls. And everytime I let them down so someone could get in, I built them twice as high, and twice as thick. Yet, time after time, my heart still manages to get broken.
I don't want to waste the pain that God has allowed me to suffer. I want him to take the ashes and turn it into beauty, to ultimatly bring glory to himself. I often feel a lot like Naomi, from the book of Ruth, when she told the people of Bethlehem to call her Mara (meaning bitter) instead of Naomi (meaning Pleasant) because God made her life very bitter. I don't want to have that attitude anymore. I want in the midst of the bitterness and hurt in my life, to still be pleasant...not bitter.
Recently, I've taken a good look at my heart. It was scary and I didn't like what I saw. I saw this weak, fragile, ball of bandages, from all the times I would pick up my heart, throw a bandage on it for a quick fix, and move on. But that's not what God has for me. That's not glorifying God through my pain. So, this is my journey. My project. My heart renovation. I want my heart to look less and less like rubble, and more and more like an altar.
It's hard to see you over those high walls (depending on where you are standing), but there is something beautiful inside there, just wait and see. While you are tearing down those walls, tear off those bandages one at a time and let God heal you from the inside out...it will be less painful that way. Through the renovation, God will transform you into something beautiful.
ReplyDeleteBut if you are in need of any tools during the renovation, just maybe I have a tool that you could use...I am happy to lend it to you.
HandyMom
I've been told you are a wonderful writer! This is beautiful, eloquent, and humble.
ReplyDeleteI've longed to get to know you better...do you mind if I read your blogs? I assume they are posted to read. I just know you have a wealth of knowledge and Godliness to share and am praying that God will use you in the lives of the young ladies He brings into your path.
Along the bandage line...I have heard the analogy that, if we place bandages on our hurts, they often become infected. Sometimes God needs to peel off the old scab, clean out the infection, and allow our wounds to heal under His careful and gentle hand. I will be praying that is what will happen as you open your heat to the Great Physician.
Thanks guys. It is my hope that I will be able to share in my journey of the process of God restoring my heart, and rebuilding it to bring him more glory. Rayna- You absoutly can read it, that is why I post it. :)
ReplyDeleteTo God be the Glory. I felt like I just drank a Surge after reading your post. I can't wait to hear more. I know that is how you view your heart and rightfully so, but I view it as something that is wraped in silver gift wrapping with a bright hot pink bow on top of it. It is a gift to me.
ReplyDeleteKia, you are such an amazing person. I still pray for you regularly and know that I am here to be part of the journey with you if you will allow me. :) I love you and admire you for digging so deeply within yourself and finding the will to do what you are doing here. God does, indeed, have amazing plans for you and you have been such a blessing to me and to so many others. Thank you.
ReplyDelete